By Kyra Oakland

I’ve been going through an immense transition period when it comes to my friendships. My relations with people in general. Coming to many conclusions about my view of what and who matters.

Who showed up for me in my darkest moments of grief? Although the instant turmoil felt like I was constantly drowning in grief. The darkest moments I’ve faced have been the ones to follow months later.

Slowly people stop checking in. They stop remembering dates. I know life goes on. The wounds start to close for others, but for me they are just as fresh as they were almost two years ago.

Evening typing that makes my gut ache. Two years without my brother? So much has happened. The ways I”ve changed and grown are immeasurable. But I digress.

That brings me back to my main point. The woman I was before my brother died is not the same woman now. There’s parts of me that shine through. That always have and always will. But my feelings, emotions, triggers, and depth have completely altered. What use to satisfy my relationships… doesnt even sustain them today.

Emotional depth, consistency and healthy patterns have been my way of healing. In the beginning of my grief it was the complete opposite. I was smoking and drinking every day that followed my brothers passing. In some ways it numbed me, but in others it just emphasised the grief. The mental instability.

Loss reveals a lot in life. It shows us what matters. It shows us who we matter to. Who steps up for us.

Life is about cycles. Everything is circular. I understand this. People come and go and come back again. But ultimately – Loss reveals the truth about relationships.

A while ago I came across this analogy for friends. Root, branch and flower friends.

Roots are deep, hidden beneath the ground and provide stability. They nourish the entire tree. Root friends are lifelong friends who are rare and special. They stick with you through the toughest storms, regardless of the season. They offer you unconditional love and deep emotional support.

Branches are stronger than leaves, but can break under too much weight, too much pressure. But they also reach out and connect you to the world. These are the close friends and long term friends who are steady, but aren’t necessarily with you for a lifetime. They offer support and growth, but cant handle the heavy burdens.

Finally, we have flowers. Flowers are beautiful, colorful and bring joy, but they are also seasonal. These are the type of friends that bring excitement and fun into your life for short periods of time because they may not be able to handle the darm storms in life.

To summarise clearly: Roots are for support and healing. Branches are for growth and connection. Flowers are for present joy and expression.

I’ve been lucky enough to have all of these friendships in my life. Through my loss and grief I now can easily distiguish these levels and relay on the friends when and where I need it. It’s the people who check in often, never knew what to say, didn’t give my family condolences, slowly fade away and still send me pictures or videos of my brother. These connections come in all ways and have shown me the reality of friendship.

This may sound a bit objective when it comes to relationships, but this truly has helped my expectations and emotional connection with others. I try my best to not take anything personal anymore. And it allows me to give grace where needed, whether thats with others or even myself.

Simply yours, Ky